On Making Music Again After Partial Hearing Loss – Talkhouse

I went deaf in my right ear during my first semester at NYU, three days after changing my course of study from Anthropology to Music Technology. 

There were no symptoms leading up to my hearing loss. I didn’t feel sick or have any pain. It happened suddenly and felt like I had water in my ear, but couldn’t shake it out.

Only in the days that followed did I begin to experience excruciating pain and vertigo, which was challenging in a chaotic place like New York. I recall getting particularly disoriented on the subway platform because I couldn’t tell which direction trains or voices were coming from. I walked around covering and uncovering my good ear, interpreting the differences, trying to make sense of it all.

When it was quiet, I had aural hallucinations, accompanied by electric shock sensations in the inner ear. Sometimes the sounds were glitchy like a dial-up modem, other times more serene like sine waves. In some ways this gave me hope that the nerves were still trying to function. Doctors felt it was a natural blockage that would heal itself, but I was guardedly skeptical. In terms of my state of mind, I felt disoriented and strange, like living in a dream world all the time.

Attending music classes was surreal. Everything sounded out of phase, and this caused things to sound warped and out of tune. I was distracted, and I was also scared for my future. What was I even doing working toward this degree if I’d never be able to work in the field? 

It would be six months before the doctors informed me that the hearing loss was permanent and likely due to a painless, viral ear infection that did severe damage to the nerves without any warning. It was the diagnosis I feared and expected most, but expecting it didn’t lessen the blow at all. 

I found solace recording on my Tascam four-track in my dorm room. I had recorded this way for years, but now it became a bit of an audio journal. I was working with just a guitar and whatever effects I had. I adjusted tape speeds, purposely warping the tapes I was using, and realized, Oh, if I slow things down to half speed, it sounds exactly how things sound to me. And, If I use this ring modulator, my guitar sounds like this pixelated zapping sound in my ear. And so on….

There was no conscious thought at the time of starting a musical project. It was just my way …….

Source: https://www.talkhouse.com/on-making-music-again-after-partial-hearing-loss/